I Almost Expect This To Really Happen

(CNN) – The Democratic National Committee resolved the nagging question of who should be the Democrats’ nominee for the White House, as well as ensuring the continued presence of their favorite target, by nominating President George W. Bush as the Democratic nominee for President.

The compromise came as democrats wrestled with the clear fact that Senator Hillary Clinton possessed formidable ability but an uncharismatic image, while Senator Barack Obama possessed tremendous charisma but absolutely no relevant experience. Partisans of each candidate had become impossible to reconcile, despite Clinton’s endorsement of Obama. Rumors that the Illinois Senator would receive an “experience transplant” from Senator Clinton in exchange for the resolution of Clinton’s 80 million dollar campaign debt could not be confirmed at this time. A DNC spokesman, however, was overheard suggesting that a ‘Howard Dean Mind-Meld’ had been considered, a technique which would likely be both safer and more effective if delayed until 2012.

The decision to nominate President Bush was explained by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. Speaking through spokespersons, the Speaker and Majority Leader released the following statement:

“Americans have come to understand that everything wrong with America is the fault of President Bush. Unfortunately, if Bush is allowed to simply go home next year, the shock of having to find a new cause for everything which goes wrong would make it difficult for the Democratic Party to properly govern this great nation. Accordingly, the Democratic Party of the United States will serve the people to its utmost ability, by making sure this most invaluable of targets remains in range for the next four years, ready to be blamed for anything for which we decide he should be blamed.”

Pelosi and Reid explained away the restrictions of the Twenty-Second Amendment, by saying “everyone knows Bush was not really elected in 2000. He’s only been elected once. So, no problem!”

In order to avoid the President declining the nomination, the Congress has passed bills in both chambers of Congress designating George W. Bush as the National Target for Recrimination. The title includes prohibitions against declining nominations for re-election, even if he has no intention of running. It also blames Bush for tooth decay, bad hair days, and Senator Obama’s inability to remember his own past political policies.