Gobbler's Knob (ONN) - After seeing his shadow and forecasting six more weeks of winter, eminent groundhog Punxsutawney Phil was condemned by President Obama and banned from all future participation in events supported with federal funds. Explaining the move, Obama said “This is a time of unprecedented crisis and we are obligated to work together to advance my agenda for the good of the nation. I won, not that overfed hamster, and he has no business obstructing my plans. Besides, I’m from Hawaii and all this snow and ice is harshing my mellow. Everything will be fine just as soon as you all agree with me!”
Federal authorities installed a replacement guru-groundhog, a New York product which some observers said bore a striking resemblance to former Illinois Governor Blagojevich. The substitute fur-faced prophet toed the party line, not only predicting imminent spring, but also that Obama would cause job creation by his desire alone that it should be so, and that anyone who disagreed with The One was “a hater like Rush Limbaugh”. The New York audience was not notably impressed.
Back in Pennsylvania, Phil refused all questions from the media but did attempt to chew off Keith Olbermann’s face, to the delight of the crowd. “Sure and that’s what happened to Helen Thomas as well” claimed an anonymous citizen.
No real groundhogs were harmed in the making of this parody.