Kerry Hires New Campaign Manager, New Campaign Ship

Angrily declaring that his campaign needed someone tough enough to take on the Swift Boat Vets, Presidential wanna-be John "owie" Kerry named a new campaign manager today, Turnan K'off, who vowed to "kill the impudent weaklings, and eat their children live". Terry McAuliffe insisted this was merely a euphemism for campaigning vigorously.

Sources differ on where Kerry found his new, tough-talking manager. Reports that K'off is actually an alien were laughed off by McAuliffe, who retorted, "C'mon, he's as Irish as I am! You can tell just by looking at him, he's a Boston Democrat."

With just two months to go before Election Day, the Kerry-Edwards campaign announced K'off's addition to the team, along with the acquisition of a new campaign vessel, named the 'KaregoMstushka'. New manager K'off volunteered that the name means 'Blood of the Victims, While They Writhe In Agony', but McAuliffe stated, "No, no, I think it's Welsh, actually, it means something like 'harmonious meadow flowers and happy children".

There are already clear differences between the old and new styles. When an old-style Kerry staffer became angry at K'off, he reportedly shouted "Eat Me", to which K'off allegedly responded, "I plan to".

The ship is obviously of foreign make. Joe Lockhart told reporters "I think it's French", to which K'off replied "You mean Ferengi".

The Kerry-Edwards team remains confident that it will lead the campaign to victory on November 2nd. The new addition is hoped to bolster the campaign's efforts to put John Kerry and John Edwards in the White House.

Asked for comment on K'off, Cheney suggested that if K'off is really from Boston, "they should test the water there more carefully". Cheney also mentioned apparent similarities in appearance and style between K'off and billionaire lunatic Soros.

Democratic sources say a major shake-up in John Kerry's presidential campaign was necessary, citing the candidate's inability to respond effectively to criticism from the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. Even K'off is said to respect the veterans and their courage.