Thursday, December 22, 2005

Testimony At The Congressional “Hollygate” Hearings

ho ho ho

Washington, D.C. (MSM) – As the controversy over surveillance into Americans’ private conversations and electronic messages continues, the Congress of the United States, holding hearings in a unique Joint Session, subpoenaed and interrogated several high-ranking officials regarding their knowledge of the programs. This report discloses some of the questions asked, and the responses by witnesses.

SEN. REID: I was appalled, as I am sure all Americans are, to discover a secret base used to spy on Americans. I believe this base was constructed with the full knowledge and approval of the President, and so I and my colleagues intend to get to the bottom of all this. I begin with a report from the Central Intelligence Agency, and call to the stand agent Joe Wilson.

SEN. FRIST: Wait a minute, Joe Wilson was never an agent for the CIA!

SEN. REID: You can’t prove otherwise. Morning, Joe. Nice layout of you and the wife in the Post this morning.

WILSON: Morning, Harry. Well, as you know we’re really very private people, but for the sake of the country, we had to do those three talk show interviews and photo shoots on Tuesday. Got four more this weekend.

SEN. REID: I understand completely, and applaud your thankless service. Now then Mister Wilson, how did you first learn about this secret base?

WILSON: I noticed a disturbing trend of unpleasant notes every Christmas morning. For many years now, instead of a pile of well-deserved presents, I have been finding a brief note claiming that I had not been a “good boy”, and so I did not receive my due as an American, which is maximum bling.

MR. HASTERT: Hah! Joe Wilson, you just got what you deserved! You did a lot of lying and cheating and conniving, and now you’re just angry you didn’t get rewarded for it.

WILSON: Well, even if I have, how does anybody know? And what right does anyone have to know I have been “bad or good”? I demand to know how they find out this kind of thing, and who is behind rewarding “good” behavior and punishing “bad” behavior. So I asked around, and there’s this guy named ‘Claus’, who runs a secret base up north of the Arctic Circle, where all kinds of private information gets funneled for his personal use.

SEN. LOTT: Hey, I know Santa Claus, and he’s a really good guy!

WILSON: Just what I mean. Seems this ‘Claus’ likes Republicans a whole lot more than Democrats right now. That is just not fair.

SEN. LIEBERMAN: I also know Mr. Claus, and he’s a very fine man. The wife and I have had him visit for dinner a number of times.

SEN. REID: Shut up, you’re not even a real Democrat anymore!

SEN. LIEBERMAN: Harry Truman might disagree.

SEN. REID: Well, we’re not talking about him. Sorry Joe, please continue.

WILSON: Anyway, my sources led me to a meeting of H.C.U.T.P’s, who-

SEN. FRIST: I’m sorry, what?

WILSON: “Height-Challenged Unknown Technology Professionals”. They manufacture a variety of material items for Claus, but their funding and purpose is unknown.

SEN. FRIST: Oh, you mean elves. They make toys for children.

WILSON, REID, KENNEDY together: There’s no such thing as elves!!!

SEN. FRIST: Whatever. Please continue, Mr. Wilson.

WILSON: It took some talking, but I was able to develop a working idea of how the conspiracy functioned. Claus obtained intelligence by spying on the general public, and then set out on a specific plan to punish his enemies and reward his friends.

SEN. KYL: Oh for the love of – Get over yourself, the man just likes to give out toys to children!

WILSON: People he likes, you mean. If you’re on his bad side, that’s something else entirely. I heard rumors that he literally crushes the tracheas of his enemies.

SEN. KYL: Claus doesn’t do that, you mean Darth Vader!

WILSON: Ever think they might be the same person? I mean, no one has ever seen those two together, have they?

SEN. KYL: You’re sick, do you know that?

SEN. BOXER: You can’t say that to a witness, without first proving they are a Conservative. Please continue, Joe.

WILSON: Actually, that’s pretty much all I have. Except, “Bush sucks”, of course.

SEN. REID: We all agree there.

(significant outcry and dissent from the Republicans present)

SEN. REID: To sort this matter out and prove the allegations the ranking member calls Mister Kris Claus.

CLAUS: Good morning. You had my name wrong a little, but I believe I am the man you meant.

SEN. KENNEDY: Are you contradicting a United States Senator?

CLAUS: Well, most people call me “Santa Claus” or “Kris Kringle”, they don’t usually mix the two like that.

MR. CONYERS: Sir, I don’t think I like your attitude!

CLAUS: Well, I’m sorry about that, but I can’t really be anyone other than who I am.

MS. PELOSI: And that’s what we are worried about. According to Fortune magazine, you are the wealthiest man in the world. Tell me Mister Claus, just how rich are you?

CLAUS: I have no idea. To me, money has no meaning.

SEN. KENNEDY: Mister Claus, you are obviously a man of immense wealth and privilege. How is it that you feel you can judge people who have to work hard for everything they have?

CLAUS: Coming from you, that’s a very odd question.

SEN. KENNEDY: I, sir, am a hard-working representative of the people of Massachusetts. Who the hell are you to question my integrity in representing the disadvantaged?

CLAUS: I gave more last year to people who had nothing, than you spent on liquor. And please do not use profanity, if you can so refrain from it.

SEN. KENNEDY: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

SEN. LEVIN: Getting back on track, isn’t it true, Mister Claus, that you track and record the behavior of private Americans?

CLAUS: Yes, that’s correct. I keep a list, and I check it.

SEN. LEVIN: Isn’t it also true, that you categorize the actions and words of private individuals according to your personal opinion of their merit?

CLAUS: Well, it is true that I know who is naughty, and who is nice.

SEN. LEVIN: Isn’t it true that you even observe the times that individuals go to sleep and wake up?

CLAUS: Sort of. I know if someone is really asleep or not.

SEN. LEVIN: Mmm-hmm. And tell me please, what court approved a warrant for any of these activities of yours?

CLAUS: No court. I just do it.

(murmurs of disapproval among Democrats)

SEN. REID: You have never asked for permission from even a single court to spy on Americans?

CLAUS: I never saw it as necessary.

SEN. REID: And what about this giving-out of presents you do? Who decides what a person gets, and who approves your entry and exits into and from private residences?

CLAUS: Good children get very nice gifts, bad children usually get nothing, although in either case I sometimes leave a note.

SEN. REID: So you might decide to give presents to a child whose family is already wealthy, but you might also decide not to give to a child who lives in a poor neighborhood?

CLAUS: Hypothetically, yes, that could happen.

SEN. REID: Outrageous. And just who lets you in and out of people’s homes?

CLAUS: No one. I let myself in and out.

(anger among Democrats)

SEN. ROCKEFELLER: I believe there is a disturbing correlation between your “good” list and Republicans, and between your “bad” list and Democrats. Is that true, and can you explain that?

CLAUS: Sadly yes, the Democrats have generally been very naughty lately.

(outrage among the Democrats)

CLAUS: I am sorry to have to say so, but you know it’s true. You have been saying some very, very false and mean things recently, and what you’ve been doing – well, it’s just not “nice”. Now, it’s true that many of the people on my “nice” list are Republican, but not all Republicans. I don’t like to point out individuals for hard words, but really Ms. Snowe, Mr. Chafee, Mr. Hagel – have you forgotten what your parents taught you, what you promised your constituents, the commitments you agreed on? So it’s not about the politics, Senator, I have to disagree with you there.

MS. PELOSI: I have had enough of this! We bring in this man, this, this obscenely wealthy neocon troglodyte, to get questions answered about the latest adventure by that cowboy in the White House-

CLAUS: George? He’s a bit headstrong yes, but hardly a cowboy. And I have never heard a word from him trying to tell me how to run my workshop.

MS. PELOSI: So, you admit to being personal friends with the President?

CLAUS: Oh my, yes, the whole Bush family is so very nice. I will never forget five years ago, when Dasher and Dancer had that nasty mishap with the freight truck on I-10. Barbara made a very effective poultice for their legs, Poppy set them in place with Dubya’s help, and the Cheneys came over and helped fix the sleigh in no time at all!

SEN. REID: What intelligence information has the President discussed with you, specific to the War on Terror?

CLAUS: None at all, really. My line of work is bringing presents to children, you know. Not much use knowing anything about terrorists, they are never on the “nice” list anyway.

SEN. LEVIN: So the intelligence provided to you is not used at all for the War on Terror?

CLAUS: I really think you are confused, sir. I use magic, not wiretaps.

MR. RANGEL: You know what I think? I think this whole “magic” and “presents” thing is a cover for how you Republicans stole two elections and manufactured a needless war! People like you gave Bush the White House, in exchange for favors and inside information.

CLAUS: Michael Moore’s version of “Miracle on 34th Street”, sounds like.

MR. RANGEL: What do you mean by that?

CLAUS: Nothing, just an observation. Listen, it was very nice chatting with you all, but I am on a rather tight deadline, and I really do have to go.

But before I do, I have to remind you that no one “gave” the President either of the last two elections, unless you count the American people’s decision to have Mister Bush serve as their President. And there are quite a few brave men serving in dangerous places right now, who deserve your support in reality, and not just a few words when you’re in front of a camera. The really meaningful gifts are not the ones I can deliver, but which come from family, close friends, and from people keeping their word when it really matters. And that brings me to my Christmas wish for you all, but it’s one you have to decide for yourselves to give.

You have a nice country here, full of good people and a lot of opportunity. I have to say though, this city doesn’t reflect that country all too well. If you want to give this nation a really nice gift for Christmas, maybe you should try listening to what your citizens really want and considering what protects them and will mean something to their children.

And with that, I wish you a Merry Christmas!

MS. PELOSI: Can he say something like that in Congress?

SEN. REID: Sergeant at Arms, stop that man!

SERGEANT: Stop who?

SEN. KENNEDY: Where’d he go? He just disappeared into thin air!

SEN. LEVIN: Ted, I warned you about drinking that much for breakfast.

SEN. REID: Never mind, we’ll just subpoena him again.

SERGEANT: Uhhhhh, no, that won’t work.

SEN. REID: Why not?

SERGEANT: We could never serve him the first time. The address search kept coming back empty.

SEN. REID: Then why was he here today?

SEN. FRIST: Maybe he felt like he should make a statement.

SEN. LEVIN: Nevermind. I want to interrogate that reindeer, Rudolf, next. That “shiny nose” could just be neocon code for a spyware or activity tracking device…

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