Dead-Blogging Superbowl XL

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Live-blogging is all the rage. But because my initials sometimes ought to be ADD, and because I am not likely to be watching all the actual game on Sunday, I am instead offering an alternative recap, written in advance of the game by three days, of the game. Call it “dead blogging”.

Hey, it’s not as if I am the only one starting this early. It may surprise you to know that the “official” pregame for Superbowl XL started at 1:30 PM Eastern Time on Thursday, February 2.

February 2, 1:30 PM ET – OK, well it’s “pregame time”, according to the schedule. Looking around, I don’t seem to see the teams anywhere. Wait a minute, there’s ABC down on the field, interviewing … oh, the head groundskeeper.

1:45 PM – Well, the weather’s pretty cloudy, with temperatures in the high 30’s. The schedule says there’s going to be the “National Anthem Press Conference”, so let’s go down and listen in:

“So once again, I remain in favor of playing the National Anthem at NFL games. Sorry, but the NFL does not see any value in the suggestion that we change the National Anthem, and while the NFL enjoys Kanye West as much as anyone, we must decline his suggestion that we change the lyrics to include references to ‘Chimpy’s Imperial War’. Thank you. ”

OK. Glad they got that worked out.

3:30 PM – “Halftime Show Press Conference” – I have to say that was unique, having Janet Jackson come in and do a “wardrobe malfunction” at the press conference, to sort of remove the jinx before the actual game. I’m sure the penguins will be all right. I mean, Michael Jackson’s hair grew back after his Pepsi commercial, right?

4:00 PM – “NFL Insider Radio Show” – yeah, sure. All you gotta know, is none of the guests has been inside an NFl player’s uniform for a long time. I did find the part with Mike Pereira interesting, although his choice for the Superbowl Officiating Crew Chief looks strangely familiar…

February 3, 8:30 AM – “Bill Cowher Press Conference”

“Bill, what are your plans for Sunday?”

“I thought maybe I’d take the team out to the movies after lunch. For crying out loud, we’re going to kick ass, score touchdowns, and win the game. Next stupid question…”

“Bill, how do you plan to stop Seattle’s rushing attack?”

“I’ve heard good things about tackling. Next stupid question…”

“Bill, some people have been comparing your coaching style to Jack Bauer on ‘24’. Your response?”

“I don’t have time for that kind of thing. I know what I’m doing, you’ll have to trust me on that.”


9:30 AM – “Mike Holmgren Press Conference”

“Mike, the Seahawks are firing on all cylinders. How do you keep that intensity all the way through the 4th Quarter?”

“Ya gotta stay lean and hungry. Speaking of which, weren’t there supposed to be pastries at this thing?”

“Coach, the Steelers are a tough, physical team, while the Seahawks are thought of as more reliant on finesse. If the weather is rough, how will that affect your game plan?”

“Obviously, we have worked hard to be ready for all situations. I have to admit, the ‘umbrella on the helmet’ idea didn’t work out too well, but we’re still thinking. Hey, kolaches!”

“Mike, how often do people confuse you with Wilfred Brimley?”

“Actually, I am Wilfred. Mike wanted to sleep in today, but he promises he will be there at the game on Sunday!”


Sunday, February 5 4:00 PM ET – Oh good, another pregame show. First off, it appears Cindy Sheehan got herself arrested again. Seems she got confused between the State of the Union address, where she was going to advertise something, and the Superbowl, where she was trying to get signatures to start her drive to become a U.S. Senator. Unfortunately for Ms. Sheehan, she actually put out documents asking people to support giving her an NFL franchise, and the League frowns on that sort of thing. She’s locked up in the stadium jail with Snoop. Don’t ask.

4:15 PM – Sitting with me now is Shiekh Kill Evruwahn, of the Council for Reasonable Anti-Zionist Yahoos (CRAZY). I understand Sheikh, that you have a pick for today’s game?

“Yes, yankee pig dog, may you die soon and in great pain. We have heard how your Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice, why you allow a woman to lead your diplomacy is an offense to Allah we cannot understand and will one day soon avenge, has promised that the Pittsburgh Steelers will win your accursed game.”

Yes, that’s true. So, you think Seattle will win?

“Of course not . As long as your lying pig-of-a-Zionist-friend Bushitler is in the so-called White House, no one can win, but only the tears of the martyrs can be heard. But yes, I must admit I hear good things about Hasselbeck, and no way Pittsburgh will stop Jerramy Stevens.

“Ahem, praise Allah.”

OK…


6:00 PM ET – Game time, baby. OK, here come the officials. Ohhh, this could be a problem. Head Linesman Dean, Umpire Kennedy, Field Judge Ginsburg, the Clintons as Line Judge and Back Judge, Jesse Jackson as Side Judge, and McCain as Crew Chief. Hoooboy.


6:18 PM - OK, coin toss. The Lions won the toss? Ah, the guys upstairs have called Referee McPain. They’re arguing.

6:23 PM - Still arguing.

6:27 PM - McLame just told the officials upstairs to do something, which I do not think is physically possible. But at least they’ve sorted out the call. Steelers won the toss and want the ball, the Seahawks say they want some Starbucks.

6:34 PM - Touchdown Steelers. 17-yard end around by Willie Parker. 7-0 First Quarter.

6:40 PM - Seahawks face 4th and 28, and – wait, Referee McFinance Reform has awarded Seattle a “Fairness” touchdown. Hmm.

7:28 PM – Steelers score touchdown, 37-yard strike Roethlisberger to Heath Miller. McWannabe denies extra point, says it would “lack compassion” for Seattle. 13-7 Steelers.

7:50 PM – Seahawks face 4th and 15 after incomplete pass, Crew Chief McLame orders “do-over”. Hasselbeck gets 1st down on QB keeper.

8:25 PM – After six more “do-overs”, Seattle gets a 28-yard Field Goal. 13-10 Steelers.

8:26 PM – Duce Staley returns KO 98 yards to Seattle 2-yard line. McLousy throws flag on play, calls “excessive athleticism”, brings ball back to Pittsburgh 10-yard line.

8:30 PM Halftime. Time for the commercials.

The Burger King stuff is totally creepy. Like Michael Myers from ‘Halloween’ went commercial – ‘buy my burger or I will find you late at night, alone’. Wonder if he’s working as an agent for McDonald’s? Anyway, now they got dancing condiments.

American Homehealth, huh. Advertising a new disinfectant. Yawn.

Pepsi has ads with Jackie Chan (old, but kind of funny) and P Diddy (just ollllllld).

Oh, heeeey, Mastercard has an ad with “MacGyver”. Oh please spare us national ad campaigns based on the preferences of Selma Bouvier.

annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd Ford features an ad with Kermit the Frog. After what happened to their trucks recently, I’m not surprised they’re having trouble getting real people to ride in them.

Fabio? Isn’t he dead?

The Escalade sucks this year, if that commercial is any indicator.

Well, there’s always the Bud ads. I need a beer after seeing Mr. Spock plug Aleve.


9:38 PM – Seattle gets Kickoff, returns ball only to 12-yard line. McLoony awards additional 90 yards for “style”. Sehawks lead for first time, 17-13.

9:59 PM – McRINO awards another TD to Seahawk, “because it feels right”. 24-13 Seahawks. Mike Pereira gets up, says he has to “make a call.”

10:18 PM – McMuffin flags Steeler linebacker Joey Porter for “getting in my way”, Seahawks awarded yet another touchdown, lead 31-13.

10:30 PM – Start of 4th Quarter. Mike Pereira stops game, replaces officiating crew. New crew:

Bill Leavy, Referee

Garth DeFelice, Umpire

Mark Hittner, Head Linesman

Mark Perlman, Line Judge

Steve Zimmer, Field Judge

Tom Hill, Side Judge

Bob Waggoner, back Judge

Alternates:
Tony Corrente, Referee
Undrey Wash, Umpire
Tom Stabile, Head Linesman

10:34 PM – Roethlisberger 48-yard strike to Antwaan Randle, Steeler touchdown, 2-point EP good. 31-21 Seahawks.

10:38 PM – Willie Parker 72-yard reverse for Steeler touchdown. 31-28 Seahawks

10:42 PM – Roethlisberger 88-yard pass complete to Hines Ward, Steeler touchdown, 35-31 Steelers.

10:46 PM – Hasselbeck fumble, scooped up by Larry Foote, Steeler touchdown. 42-31 Steelers FINAL.