Modern U.S. History, According to the Democratic Party of the United States

[ the following story was channeled through the mind of former Senator and famous hair model John Edwards ]


Once upon a time, there was a great leader in the White House, a man who loved everyone. His name was Bill. Bill loved everyone so much, he sometimes got carried away and had sex with them. Almost everyone understood this and did not mind, except the mean evil hater Republicans who never have enough sex and so hate the ones who have free love and flowers and stuff. The Republicans said that Bill was bad because some of the people he had sex with, did not want to be raped, but America knew how much Bill loved everyone, and so they did not listen to the haters.

Because Bill was so loving, everyone outside loved America. There was no war or crime or poverty or problems of any kind, and every nation loved America. But the evil Republicans did not like peace and prosperity for other nations, and so they went out and started evil groups like Al Qaeda, who would not have existed except that Halliburton wanted to take over the world, which was not cool. So Osama bin Laden started a group which wanted to help widows and orphans and puppies and kittens, but Halliburton said no, so Osama got mad and started blowing up things and killing people. The evil Republicans said that Osama was a terrorist for killing people, but America knew that was not true, that the real terrorists had to be people who built refineries and gave people jobs, because working cut down the time available for free love and for loving Bill. So Bill arranged for tax hikes, to take away more of the money which was poisoning people and making them evil, and that money went to good useful government programs which were all good and in no way wasteful, because after all Bill was in charge, and he put good people in charge of things, like Attorney General Janet Reno, who never used excessive force, and Secretary of State Madelaine Albright, who always blamed America so that the world would not feel bad about Communism and the things their own despots did, which after all were the fault of American corporations like Halliburton. The evil Republicans said that raising taxes was bad, but everyone knew that the Republicans only said that because they loved money so much, and everyone thanked Bill for taking the evil money away from them. Yaaay Bill!

Halliburton and other evil U.S. corporations continued to do bad things, like build schools and give jobs to people in other countries, which were obviously tricks so that they could take over the world. This was obvious because the jobs paid well and offered a different way of life, one without disease and which promoted independent accomplishment, which the world knew was bad. So Osama got angry and blew up some embassies. But Bill knew that Osama was only angry because the evil Republicans wanted Muslims to think for themselves and not just do as they were told by the Mullahs, so he apologized again for America and Osama calmed down. Everyone was happy again.

The evil Republicans schemed and schemed. They schemed mean schemes, they dreamed mean dreams. They found a woman who had been loved by Bill, but who said she had not wanted his love, which we all know is a lie, because who would not ant Bill’s love? Anyway, this woman sued Bill, because she wanted money, even though she said she wanted her honor back. Silly woman! The Republicans next found a judge who had a reputation for being honest – even Democrats had said so. The Republicans somehow made this judge turn evil like them, so he looked and looked and found a way to trip Bill up so that he would have to lie, because Bill loved America enough to lie to it. Even under oath and on national television. Bill wanted to protect his marriage, and his reputation, so he told the nation that he did not have sex with that woman, even though he did. But America loved Bill and knew he did nothing wrong, even if he committed felonies.

The evil Republicans impeached Bill. Mean Republicans! But AlGore defended Bill, saying Bill was the “best President in history”, and AlGore was right! Smart robot! Bill was better than George Washington, better than FDR, better than even Jimmy Carter! And of course President Bill was a better President than evil President Lincoln and President Reagan or President Eisenhower, because everyone knows that no Republican can be good. Silly Republicans, thinking that saving the Union or defeating the Soviet Union is as good as loving everybody the way Bill does! So America forgave Bill, and he loved America even more. Osama was angry at the Republicans for almost taking Bill from the White House, so he blew up a Navy ship! But Bill knew Osama was not mad at America but only at the evil Republicans, so he made sure no one hurt Osama. Three times the bad men came to Bill and told him how they could kill Osama, and every time Bill made sure no one hurt Osama. Yaaay Bill!

But it was soon time for Bill to leave the White House, because the Constitution said he could not run again, even though Bill said he would like to. Bad Constitution! And America wondered who would be President next? Maybe the good robot AlGore? Maybe Hillary, who forgave Bill for loving everyone else? Either of them could be trusted to keep evil money away from the American people, and to blame America so that the rest of the world would know we were sorry for being strong and successful. The robot AlGore was better programmed than Hillary, so Hillary went off to run New York and AlGore got ready to run America, as he knew the people wanted.

But the Republicans sent an evil trained money monkey they called “Dubya” to steal the election! Bad Republicans! The Republicans tempted many people away, by promising tax cuts – boo! – and a strong defense – boo! – and reforming the courts to do what the Constitution said, instead of listening to loving people like Bill – boo! Boo! AlGore did everything he could to make sure America got what it should get, instead of what the Constitution said, but the courts did not let him claim Florida because he did not win that state. Bad courts! The state court tried to give AlGore the state by counting votes over and over again until they got the result they wanted, but the Supreme Court ruled that the Constitution would not let AlGore claim a state where he did not actually win. Bad Courts! Bad Constitution! Even getting military votes thrown out could not get AlGore elected, and so Dubya became President. Boo! Boo! All across America, the kind and loving people who voted for AlGore decided to reject President Money Monkey. If the Constitution made Money Monkey President, then they would reject the Constitution, and that’s what they did. Every Democrat running for office since 2000 has been careful to ignore the Constitution. Clever Democrats! Yaaay Democrats!

But Dubya the evil Money Monkey was not like Bill. Dubya wanted tax cuts, so that many Americans had to put up with extra money. Boo! Dubya wanted the courts to reform, to obey the Constitution, and so he appointed judges and justices who followed the Constitution. Boo! And over and over again, Dubya did what he promised he would do. Silly Monkey! Real politicians know you have to lie and lie, to show how much you love America.

Osama was angry again because the Money Monkey was President, and he must have been psychic too, because in 2001 Osama attacked the United States, using a plan he began working on years before while Bill was President. Osama must have known about the evil Monkey President plan, and got ready ahead of time. Smart Osama! But many Americans were sad and angry about the attack, which they blamed on Osama and the terrorists, not blaming the Money Monkey and Halliburton, who were the real bad guys, even if it was Osama’s people who actually killed folks. It’s complex, just trust the Democrats and say ‘Bad Republicans’. Bad Republicans! The Republicans wanted a war, a big war, because the Monkey President thought that Democracy is a good thing, even for Muslims, and that we should do what we warned Saddam we would do. Silly Monkey, thinking that Muslims are real people! Everyone knows Muslims cannot be trusted to govern themselves or to have a democratic government! But the Republicans controlled Congress and forced many Democrats to vote for the war, which was obviously mind control, since no Democrat would ever vote for a war, even if they made hundreds of statements indicating they would do so. After all, no war is worth an election! The war went badly at first, as the United States chased the Taliban out of Afghanistan and ejected the regime of Saddam Hussein from Iraq. Boo! Bad Republicans! Bad Army! But the Democrats did not give up, not even when Saddam was captured, not even when the top Al Qaeda operatives were killed or captured, not even when Zarqawi was stopped. Brave Democrats! Little by little, the Democrats made Americans doubt the military, little by little they lied about the Monkey President and his motives so that support would slip, and little by little the Democrats made America believe the war could not be won, and that quitting was the only real option. Clever Democrats!

The Democrats told stories and made up claims to make America realize that they were the party which should be in charge, and after a while America believed them. How clever of the Democrats, to make America hate Republicans for the same things Democrats did, and to ignore criminal action by the Democrats and overreact to mistakes by the Republicans. Yaaay Democrats!

As the next election approaches, America rejoices not only that there is no one like the evil Reagan or Dubya to worry about, but that both the good robot AlGore and the wise and all-knowing Hillary are available to support. America can soon expect the hated tax cuts to be repealed, and once again whenever an evil act is done, America will apologize and blame the Republicans and evil corporations. Bill must have planned this. Clever Bill! Yaaay Bill!